Dear hyper-masculine sports fans,
Guys, hey, I know you have a busy day at work ahead, full of telling passers-by stories of your glory days and trying to get women to smile more, but I have something important to tell you.
You’ve been really blasting those hot takes lately, and hey, maybe you didn’t notice. We’ve got different perspectives you and I. I’m a woman, and you are a large and intentionally vague categorization meant to represent a general trend in the world of assholery. Ever since a few weeks ago, when a four-year-old girl got hit by a line drive in the stands, I’ve watched you take to Facebook and Twitter and any comment section you can find—to show off how awful your opinions are like some sort of vile peacock rampaging through a municipal sewer. There is something you seem to have missed though, and I felt duty-bound to inform you of this.
What is so hard to comprehend that about there being risk to it? If you’re afraid of getting hurt don’t sit where it’s more likely. If you’re not afraid then go right ahead. It’s that simple. and if you can’t realize it at this point you’re a lost cause
— Zach Hand (@zdh0922) June 2, 2019
Getting mad on the internet about the mere idea of extending protective netting around the field does not make your dick bigger. It doesn’t! Science has already solved that one. If you want links to studies, please send me your address, and I’ll mail you a piece of paper that just says, “Of course it doesn’t, you giant dum-dum.”
Hey, I get it. I know YOU would have snapped to attention with such swiftness that all around you would have to assume someone just insulted a dad-rock band. And then you would have caught that ball barehanded, for you are all male—very male—so incredibly male that you can’t stand to even consider anyone less male than you would ever dare be in that particular section of stadium seating.
“That literal child should have just paid attention and been as awesome as ME,” you think, before reminding everyone around you that had it not been for blowing your knee out from that “football injury” (we both know you actually got injured tripping out of your obscenely large truck that isn’t at all compensating for anything), you would have maybe, definitely, perhaps gone pro.
Being inconsiderate to others does not make you more secure in your own sexuality—or masculinity! Crazy, I know. Suggesting kids, people with kids, the elderly, and those with disabilities that affect their reflexes or mobility shouldn’t enjoy good views of the game and be safe, purely because you yourself seem to be really unsure of your masculinity, does not make us women’s clothes melt off.
This also extends to wanting pitchers to weaponize heavy projectiles thrown at insane speeds every time a hitter has slightly too much fun (an emotion for women) after being good at their job. I invite you to let me show up at your house with a bucket full of baseballs, and I’ll just whip them at you as hard as my 20-something, non-athletic, nerdy-girl arms allow. We’ll see if your 45-year-old ass and 30-pound beer gut can dodge them all like the worst possible Matrix reboot.
“But how will I attract a mate now?” you ask. Well, I’m pleased to announce a new discovery that might not have made its way over to you yet. We call it “giving a shit about people who aren’t you.” Still not sold? Here’s an experiment you can try at home. Go for a walk, go to a store, look around at all the people you see around town. How many of them aren’t you? The results might surprise you! Most, if not all people who aren’t you, are not you. And that includes women! Crazy, I know, but we truly live in a new era of humanity.
Personally, the thing I look for most in a man is compassion and ethics, because I want to know for sure he won’t act like you, a caricature of a flawed concept of masculinity from an era in which racism was fine, women weren’t allowed to have opinions, and nine of every 10 men died before their 25th birthday by drinking straight vodka for four hours and then trying to arm wrestle a steam engine.
So hey, maybe you should calm down and give compassion a try. I guarantee it’ll work better on everyone outside your strange and pathetic mob of men all trying to convince themselves and each other how hetero they are.
Sincerely,
Tawny
